L’anorexie, bien au-delà d’un simple chiffre sur la balance
À 20 ans, Héloïse pesait 27 kilos. Hospitalisée durant dix mois, elle a dû lutter contre son corps, contre les médecins, et parfois contre ses proches pour tenter de s’en sortir. Aujourd’hui son quotidien reste marqué par les séquelles de l’anorexie. À travers son témoignage, elle raconte son combat contre la maladie.
Héloïse commence à perdre du poids. Au début, elle ne s’inquiète pas. Elle surveille son alimentation, saute quelques repas, mais rien de bien alarmant. Pourtant, sans qu’elle s’en rende compte, la spirale s’enclenche. “Je me suis toujours trouvée grosse, depuis que je suis petite. Je regardais mon ventre, je demandais à ma mère si elle me trouvait trop grosse.” Puis, à 17 ans, tout bascule. “C’est là que ça s’est vraiment déclenché.”
Le déclencheur ? La rupture avec sa mère. Pendant un an, elle ne la voit plus. Son corps devient alors un message, une manière d’exprimer une douleur qui n’a pas de mots. “C’était une façon de lui dire que j’étais là, que je souffrais, que je vivais mal l’abandon.” Son père, lui, ne comprend pas. Pour lui, elle peut s’en sortir seule, sans aide extérieure. Alors, Héloïse lutte, seule, contre la maladie et contre l’incompréhension de son entourage.
Mais la maladie s’enracine. De 17 à 19 ans, elle maintient un équilibre fragile. Puis vient le Covid. Confinée, privée de ses repères, elle plonge. “J’ai voulu arrêter de me faire vomir, alors j’ai trouvé une autre solution : manger moins.” De moins en moins, jusqu’à ne plus rien avaler. Son poids chute dangereusement. Lorsqu’elle est finalement hospitalisée, elle ne pèse plus que 27 kilos.
« J’étais dans un tel état que je ne tenais plus debout »
Durant cette période de chute, chaque jour était une lutte pour sa survie. Elle ne savait pas si elle allait tenir. Ses liens sociaux se dégradaient, ses capacités physiques s’effondraient : elle n’avait plus la force de rien, même les activités qu’elle aimait lui étaient devenues impossibles. À cette souffrance s’ajoutait une autre bataille, celle contre son père, qui refusait d’accepter la maladie. « Il pensait que je pouvais m’en sortir seule. Mais c’était impossible. Je devais lutter contre l’anorexie et contre lui en même temps. » Pour échapper à cette double pression, elle prend une décision radicale : se faire hospitaliser. Son père s’y oppose, alors elle s’occupe de tout, seule.
L’enfer de l’hospitalisation
Mais l’hospitalisation se révèle être un autre combat.“Les infirmières étaient dures, il y avait beaucoup d’a priori. J’étais surveillée en permanence, comme si j’étais dangereuse.” Puis, elle est transférée en psychiatrie, dans une unité spécialisée. Là-bas, la vie s’organise autour du poids, pour chaque palier franchi, de nouveaux droits : pouvoir se promener, voir du monde, participer aux activités. “À 27 kilos, mes avantages étaient loin. Ça me paraissait impossible.”
Dix mois passent. Héloïse est isolée dans sa chambre, privée de sortie. “J’étais en train de dépérir, ça faisait le processus inverse.” À bout, elle décide de partir contre l’avis du psychiatre, elle quitte l’hôpital.
Guérir ou apprendre à vivre avec ?
Héloïse n’a jamais connu l’espoir d’une guérison, et elle n’y croit toujours pas. « Chaque parcours et profils sont différents mais dans mon cas les médecins m’ont dit que je n’allais pas guérir, juste apprendre à vivre avec. » Selon eux, tout dépend du parcours : ceux qui reprennent du poids rapidement peuvent s’en sortir totalement, mais quand la maladie s’installe trop profondément, les chances diminuent.
L’avenir est encore flou, mais elle refuse de se laisser entièrement définir par la maladie. « Je ne sais pas où je serai dans cinq ou dix ans, mais j’essaie juste de construire un quotidien où je peux vivre sans être étouffée par l’anorexie. »
Par par Natacha Znidarsic– Section Communication
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